The One About Trust

I've always been an incessant worrier.  Especially about things I have no control over.    My worrying career reached its climax when I was 14 or 15.  And it drove me crazy because I felt I always had to worry about something.  If I didn't.....then, things would be...out of control.  (Possibly out of my perceived control, that is.) 

But you know how it is.  Trying to stop yourself from worrying or stressing about something that *might* happen is hard.  It's the snowball affect.....the longer it rolls, the faster it goes - and the bigger it gets.  One or two fearful thoughts turn into torrents of worry and anxiety.  Panic attacks? Check.

Shift gears for a minute, though.  Switch from panic attacks to nagging fears.  The kind that linger around in the corners of your mind, behind the cobwebs.  They're not quite as ferocious as the afore-mentioned snowball fears.  At least they don't seem like it.   These are the kind that I try to ignore, forget, or stuff away in the deep recesses of my mind, hoping they'll disappear.  Back-burner worries. 
Sometimes you forget they're there, but every once in awhile they pop up and remind you that yes, your worries are very much alive.  Back-burner worries.  The ones that are more long term, not so important as to be everyday concerns.  But they're there, just the same. 

The rotten thing about worries in general is that once you start, it's very difficult to stop.  If you've worried about something once, chances are you'll probably worry about it again later.  I hate that.  I hate having that old familiar twinge of anxiety strike in my heart when I'm reminded about something that worries me. 

I think it has something to do with control.  I really do.  Last night, I was reading Psalms and some favorite chapters in Isaiah, and just trying to give up some of my biggest fears to the Lord.  And it's hard.  Because I literally feel like I have to keep worrying about what *might* happen.  I have this funny idea that if I stop worrying about it......it might happen.   The idea of giving complete control to God is sort of....frightening, really.  Because it means that I'm not and He is. 

I know He's in control anyway.  But I still have that childish fear that, if I actually admit He's in control and really give everything to Him, He will somehow allow everything I don't want, everything I fear, everything I dread, happen to me. 

Funny how we come up with these man-made ideas of who God is and what He's like.  That's totally my own screwy notion.  And up against the lens of Biblical truth, that Rachel-produced-image of God's character crumbles.  Because He is good.  All the time.  And every good thing comes from Him. 

He's not an ogre to be pleased.  He's not a tyrant to be served.  He's not a slave-driver, a master to be afraid of, or even "the Big Man upstairs" to grovel before.  He doesn't delight in crushing his servants.  He's not out to "punish" me.  He doesn't look for ways to make my life miserable.

He is our Father.  He is for me.  He is the One who "fulfills the desires of those who fear Him...hears their cry and saves them" (Psalm 145:19).  He's the One who is "loving towards all He has made" and "good to all".  (vs. 9 & 13).   He is "great, compassionate, slow to anger, rich in love, gracious, faithful to all His promises, righteous, and near to all who call on Him".  (random text from Psalm 145)

Knowing this makes it a little easier to release control to Him.  He knows me.  He'll fulfull the desires I have because He put them there.  He will do what's best for me because He loves me.  And He knows exactly what He planned for me (Jermiah 29:11).  It's a matter of seeing Him for who He really is, and then giving Him permission to do whatever He wants with my life.  Whatever that may be.  Scary? Yes.  Worth it?  Definitely. 

The rub?  Isaiah 55:8. "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways."

Just because He is good doesn't mean He'll give me everything I want.  Apparently His idea of what's good and best for me is a little different than mine.  And that's where the trust thing has to kick in again.  Trusting that His ways are better than mine.  That's hard.  I like to think that I know what's best...but seeing as He IS the King of the Universe...maybe He's right? :-)

I want to give complete control to God.   If He already has the best things picked out for me, worrying and groping for control is simply a waste of time.  Not only is it non-effective, but it's counterproductive.  I don't want to fight against the good that God is placing in my life.  Whatever that turns out to be.  He knows the plans He has for me.

May as well hand over the reigns and enjoy the ride.